Baby K. Adoption News

Welcome to Our Adoption Story!!

2010-08-11T14:58:00.009-06:00

We hope that those of you who are in the process of adopting can learn something from our past experiences and failures. We have shared what happened as well as the important lessons we learned along the way. I can't believe how challenging the whole process has been. It was an emotional roller coaster ride. Worse than dating!!

That being said, here is where we now stand. At the beginning of this year, after years of waiting and 2 change of hearts we "pulled our book" only to end up putting it back in again due to possibilities in Florida (which didn't pan out). But since the annual home study was already paid for we decided to go ahead and give it one more year (just to see what might happen). The original plan was to pull our book in December (the 5 year anniversary of our approval), but the last few months have been torture (including a 3rd change of heart), so we are now calling it quits. Stick a fork in us we are done!!

The reality is after some major grieving (and a lot of chocolate cake), we will be just fine. If God wanted us be parents, we would be, but instead he has other plans for us. I wonder what those might be???

So, if you have any questions or would like to post comments, please don't hesitate to ask or post. The blog is archived (on the left) by date (most recent first) and by title (earliest posts first) to make finding what you need easier. Take care and have a great day!!!!

Meeting Birthmom Number 3

2010-07-03T20:56:00.010-06:00

Here we go again!

We got the call from our social worker Thursday night at 9 p.m. A 22 year old who gave birth that morning, was looking for an adoptive family. Since her boyfriend took off after learning of the pregnancy, she had always planed on adoption, but hadn't spoken with a social worker or made an adoption plan.

The hospital social worker called Catholic Charities that morning requesting someone come down to meet and counsel birthmom. After spending some time with her they decided she would be a perfect match for us, so they gave her our book. She decided she liked us and wanted to meet! YAY! So we set an appointment for Friday morning.

Needless to say we didn't get any sleep Thursday night at all.

Now for the sticky part. I can't remember when, but either later Thursday night or Friday morning we learned that the doctor who delivered birthmom's baby found out she was making an adoption plan, and decided to get involved by suggesting his close, personal friends who were looking to adopt their 2nd child. He told her all about them and gave her a copy of their book as well. This changed everything. We went from being the chosen family to having to compete with a family who was recommended by birthmom's doctor (the man who delivered her baby).

So Saturday morning we arrive at the hospital to find out that she is also meeting the Doctor's friends later that afternoon. To be honest if we had known that, we never would have agreed to the meeting in the first place. I mean really... who can compete with her OB's personal, perfect friends?

We got along with birthmom really well and had a lot in common. But she was very blunt and made it perfectly clear that as long as the Doctor's friends were good people she would choose them over us because she wanted her son to have a sibling. So after 4 hours of driving and meeting we find out that once birthmom's doctor got involved, we really had no chance at all.

Needless to say our social worker, birthmom's social worker, and the social worker at the hospital were really REALLY angry at the situation. Evidently it could be considered some sort of ethics violation on the part of the doctor. Honestly, I have no idea about that. I wasn't really angry for some reason. I'm just hurt. How many times has our book been given to birthmoms only to be rejected? And now this is our 3rd time meeting a birthmom only to be turned away. After 4 1/2 years, 3 rejections, and all sorts of other drama I think I might have just gone beyond my breaking point.

My emotions are really mixed right now. Part of me doesn't really even care anymore and part of me is tired of being judged by others only to be found lacking in something. I can't begin to tell you how old this is getting and how brutal it is. From what I hear we are the only family to have to wait this long for a placement. We are also the only family to be rejected by birthmoms 3 times.

I'm actually seriously considering pulling our book now instead of in December. I mean really.............. What's the point of keeping it in?

What Now??

2010-03-19T18:46:00.005-06:00

I know we pulled our book..... but there has been something going on lately......

My sister-in-law knew of someone who adopted in Florida (numerous times). Evidently they have a tough time finding homes for a certain race of baby there. I can't even begin to tell you how crazy that makes me!!

After speaking with a social worker down there who is contracted by Bethany services, we found out some basic information. Here in Colorado, most of the kids coming up for adoption have birthmoms who abuse drugs and alcohol. In Florida it's different. There, the white birthmoms usually abuse substances, but the African American and Latino birthmoms take good care of themselves because they don't want to harm the babies. She was surprised when she heard we were having such a tough time, but when she found out we didn't care about race, and we have been through the entire process already, she thought there would be no problem finding a birthmom for us. She actually had 2 in mind. This opened a whole new door....... so we thought.

So, I made a few calls and sent a few emails. It turns out that Bethany wont work with us unless we start over from scratch with them (which meant us losing several thousand dollars). The tough part......we actually couldn't get them to tell us this outright...... instead they just strung us along for a week or two and then just stopped returning phone calls. That says a lot about their ethics and sent up a BUNCH of red flags.

All this research was happening around the time of our annual review, which we were just going to skip since we pulled our book anyway. But... we found out that our social worker just took our book out of circulation and never closed our profile, so technically we were still ok. We did our annual review and updated our adoption book. During our review we found out some of the reasons we weren't chosen by birthmoms in the past. Evidently a misspelled word and other such non-important things were cause for worry with some birthmoms. They expected perfection, which we are not and will never claim to be.

Anyway, our social worker called the 3 Catholic Charities offices in Florida to see what they could do about the situation down there, but unfortunately, they never returned her calls. She also sent a letter to the National Office to see what we could open up between states.

So we are open again, but not expecting much. Our profile is very honest as are our letters. We haven't sugar coated anything because we want to make sure birthmom knows who we really are, flaws and all. Birthmom's deserve to know the truth about who their child will be with. I've seen several other profiles that are VERY sugar coated and rosy, but we just don't feel comfortable creating that sort of "image" because it's just not honest.

There is one other option..... we could hire a private lawyer to help us adopt a child in Florida. The only thing is we will have to pay for all of birthmom's expenses including clothes, rent, medical, food, and anything else she wants. After all of that she could still change her mind. The last 2 times birthmom's changed their minds, we only lost a grand or so. But if this happened in Florida, we could lose twenty to thirty grand. That would put an end to any further attempts at adoption. I hate to say it but having to adopt really sucks!

Weighing Our Options

2009-06-25T18:12:00.005-06:00

We've been waiting to adopt for 3 1/2 years now and still no luck. Since abortion is so easy to attain, even publicly funded now, and having a child out of wedlock no longer holds a stigma, it seems that there aren't a lot of infants up for adoption anymore. So we find ourselves in a situation where we need to decide what to do next. Do we just give up after we hit the 4 year mark in December? Or do we keep paying for annual reviews and such?

There is one other option though. We've been discussing giving up the fantasy of having a baby and adopting a school aged child. It would be much more emotionally challenging since the older kids have usually been victims of abuse or neglect, but maybe we could be successful. It's really hard though. We wanted so badly to teach a baby sign language, how to read, how to walk and all that fun stuff. We've had a nursery ready to go since we got chosen the first time 3 1/2 years ago. It's a really hard dream to give up. I'm just not sure what we should do.
The social worker we had for the last several years ended up getting another job, so we are meeting next week with her replacement. It feels like starting all over again. If we do try to adopt an older child we will have to get completely different training as well.

The other issue is family. I come from a family of broken promises. People are so wrapped up in themselves they back out of promises all the time. If we have a kid who has had a hard and unstable life, how do we convince a group of people who focus so much on themselves to stop, take a breath, and realize how they affect those around them? I guess there is just a lot to consider....

New Opportunity

2009-02-12T20:49:00.003-07:00

Well, yesterday we got a call from our social worker. There was a birth mom who was ready to pick a family and she wanted to know if we wanted our book to be included.

Birth mom is young and troubled. She drank excessively for the first 11 weeks of the pregnancy. There was also regular cocaine and marijuana use. After doing the research we realized that this one may be too much for us. If I were perfectly healthy, maybe we could take the risk, but as things are now...........

Did you know that excessive drinking of this type in the first trimester increases the chance of still birth by 70%? How scary is that?

So as it stands we are still waiting. It just seems that all the children coming up for adoption have birth mom's that use and abuse drugs and alcohol. I wonder if there is anyone out there that doesn't?

Annual Review Time

2009-01-10T17:25:00.007-07:00

Well, it's that time again..... ANNUAL REVIEW TIME.

We met with our social worker on Friday morning, reeaally early in the morning. It was an interesting visit. We got some statistics about placements in the last year and found out that there are some women in the counseling stage of the process right now.

From what she said it seems that the social trends have started to change, at least for now. In the past, a stigma was placed on those who were pregnant out of wedlock. It was considered socially unacceptable. But now it's reversing. Teen pregnancy and abortion no longer hold a stigma, but adoption is starting to. It's unfortunate because it may lower our chances of adopting a child in the U.S. We may have to try internationally instead.

For now though, we are sticking with the program. I decided to rewrite my "dear birthmom" letter though. It just didn't seem to fit anymore. I'm just not the same person I was 3 or 4 years ago. I've changed and grown a lot since then.

Plus..... I'm almost an old fart now. I turn 40 in April!

(For those of you over 40, please don't be offended. The "old fart" thing is just a joke with us.)

Will We EVER Be Parents??

2008-11-13T09:40:00.007-07:00

As the holidays grow closer, and our niece's due date draws nearer, I find myself wondering if we will ever be parents? We've sat on the sidelines the last several years and watched our nieces and nephews start their families while waiting for the same opportunity. Are we too old now? I'll be 40 in April and I wonder if maybe that's why our adoptions haven't worked out.

I think of my other family members and they all had their kids in their early, mid 20s. When is it too old to be a new parent? Our wait is going on 3 years now and with 2 failed adoption attempts I wonder if it's just not in the cards for us.

That would be such a bummer because we've already spent so much money, time, and heart on decorating the nursery, cloth diapers, clothes, strollers, car seats, bottles, etc...

I'm just really beginning to wonder if parenthood is in God's plan for us.

I doubt BHG is the reason we haven't been chosen very often (he's the perfect guy). Maybe it's me. I love my nieces and nephews like they are my own children. I used to make sure I spent time with them every week. But my sister's became threatened by our relationships and decided to use the kids as a weapon against me. Unfortunately now I only see them on holidays and special occasions. After those experiences, I'm wondering if maybe I am the big bad evil and that's why we haven't been chosen.

I'm sorry to ramble. I'm just not sure what our future holds. At this age we shouldn't still be waiting for life to happen, we should be right in the midst of it. Instead I feel like we are sitting on the sidelines, just watching everyone else.

Birth Mom Decides to Parent...FINALLY

2008-09-16T12:19:00.012-06:00

We got the call yesterday morning. Birth mom is going to "try" and parent. The good news is that now we have our answer and don't have to worry about another face to face meeting. No more limbo.....yay!!

Limbo really sucks!! I can't believe how last week felt like YEARS. It's so weird how time stretches out to make the bad times feel like eons and the good times seem really short. That's just not right. It should just be cosmically illegal or something!

Anyway, birth mom was really having trouble letting go. So, when we spoke to our social worker over the weekend we told her to mention the fact that some day we could possibly get transferred to another state. We don't want to move, but that's just the risk of the industry we work in. We felt obligated to bring that up because she wanted once a month visits. We strongly felt it was important for her to have all the facts in order to make a decision she was fully comfortable with. And if we had to up and move, once a month visits would no longer be possible.

I wonder if that helped her make her final decision?

We hope everything works out really well for her. She is a very strong and capable young woman who has taken her own personal trauma and turned it around. Instead of playing the role of victim, she has chosen to work her heinie off and fight for a better life for her and her kids. Although she has made mistakes in her life, she is a role model for all young women because she learned from those mistakes and has continued to take the steps necessary to make her life better.

We wish her all the best.

Friday Meeting Cancelled

2008-09-13T08:04:00.009-06:00

We found out last night that our meeting with birth mom scheduled for today was cancelled. Birth mom is really struggling from the procedure she had after baby was born and due to complications, she is going back to the hospital today. We feel really bad for her.

So, here we are again, waiting in limbo. This is almost as bad as our last adoption attempt. First she wants us to parent, then she doesn't, then she wants us to parent, but not before meeting first. I hate to sound so insensitive, but these ups and downs are making me crazy!! I guess I just don't handle the roller coaster ride very well. I'd rather have a definite yes or no immediately. That way you know where you stand. No games.

The other thing is that on Saturday baby will be 1 week old. I just can't see birth mom giving baby up after taking care of him for a week. She's already had plenty of time to bond. I guess I just feel like we are being forced to jump through hoops in order to go home empty handed. I'm not sure I see the point.

On the other hand, if we do meet with her and she still decides to parent, at least she won't have second thoughts when baby is older. Maybe us meeting with her will solidify her choice enough to erase any chance of future regrets. Does that make sense?

I wonder if all adoptive parents go through this roller coaster ride. Do they all have to endure this much stress and uncertainty before they get a child? Or are we just the lucky ones.

Reconsidering Adoption

2008-09-10T07:59:00.013-06:00

We got the call today from our social worker. After having baby home with her for a few days, birth mom is reconsidering the adoption plan, as long as she can have more visitation. She wants to meet with us on Friday (today is Tuesday) and talk about it.

How goofy is this?? Here we are waiting for the final word that she is going to parent and now she may decide not to?

Evidently she was just overwhelmed with all the offers of support at the hospital which made her think she could handle the little guy at home. Now that she's had a chance to try it out, she isn't so sure.

We think she may want to increase visitation to once a month indefinitely, but our social worker is worried that she is trying to parent long distance. If so, that just won't work. Imagine how confusing it would be for the little guy in that kind of situation.

So here we are on the roller coaster again, waiting for our meeting on Friday and not sure what's going to happen.

I wonder if she'll let us change his name??

Leaning Toward Parenting

2008-09-08T15:33:00.007-06:00

We met with our social worker this morning. Birth mom was released from the hospital last night with the baby. She decided to tell her other kids the truth about who the baby is which is okay with them.

She still has not given us the definite no, but our social worker is convinced she will parent. Hopefully by tonight or tomorrow we will have the official word. I hate the fact that we are being left hanging again.

It's a tough situation.

Unfortunately birth parents get so caught up in their own stuff they always seem to forget about the people waiting on the sidelines.

This really sucks!!

Birth Mom Wavers....Deja Vu

2008-09-06T14:46:00.016-06:00

We just got the call from our social worker. The original plan was to bring baby home tomorrow (Sept. 7th), but that has now changed. Birth mom won't be released until Monday due to her pain level. She's had a bit of a rough go.

Anyway, she is seriously wavering. (Dejavu, haven't we been here before??)

She is also refusing cradle care, which is where the agency takes custody of the baby until mom makes up her mind. So on Monday she will be released from the hospital with her baby boy. They will go home together and spend a few days.

The chances of us getting the parent now are less than 5%. If birth mom is still unsure, we may meet on Wednesday to discuss the level of openness and her other worries. She has stated that if she does give him up she wants more openness than previously stated, which is fine with us. My concern is she may want to "co-parent". I'm afraid she wants us to parent her child her way and then maintain a high level of openness to make sure we are doing things correctly.

I brought this concern up to our social worker and she reassured me that we wouldn't be the ones having the co-parenting conversation with birth mom which is a good thing, since I have absolutely no tact.

So for now, we are in a holding pattern with slim chances......again......

Baby Boy is Born

2008-09-05T13:52:00.006-06:00

Well, they induced birth mom on yesterday on September 4th at 10am. She didn't give birth until 4:30 this morning. We got the call around 8:30 saying baby is here and weighs 7lbs 9ozs.

Birth mom is taking the day to spend with her friends and the baby. We should hear a firm yea or nae late tomorrow afternoon sometime.

We are both exhausted from getting home so late last night from our infant CPR refresher class. It's definitely a cake night!!

We've Been Chosen Again!!

2008-08-21T11:48:00.016-06:00

Well, on August 4th we got the call. We were chosen again by a birth mom who was due on September 8th, but could come sooner. HOLY COW!!!

This is sooooooooooooooo hard!!

Here we are with great news, but because of past experience we can't tell our families. In the long run it will probably be easier to stress over keeping a huge secret, than to have constant daily battles with family members.

We scheduled to meet birth mom's social worker on the 12th. That is when we got more details about birth mom and were able to ask our own questions. After that meeting we felt comfortable proceeding. Actually we felt comfortable proceeding before the meeting. We are VERY LUCKY to have a social worker who is extremely detailed. So we knew everything before going in.

There was a funny thing about that meeting though. When we arrived there was a mother and daughter waiting in the waiting room with us. They were quiet and didn't say much. Then they just got up and left. We wonder if that was a friend of birth mom sent to check us out before our official meeting. HMMMMMMMM....................

The following Weds. (the 13th) we met birth mom in person. She was such a pretty girl. Her youngest son came with and he was SOOOOOOOOOOOO CUTE!! We really liked birth mom. She was upfront and to the point. No games. We loved that because we aren't into games either. We got to ask each other questions and just spend some time getting to know one another. It was really nice.

The only concerning thing is that she's chosen to keep her pregnancy a secret, even from her own family because she's afraid they will talk her into keeping the baby. What's going to happen when she goes in for the delivery? They will find out then. Although she is mentally preparing herself for the adoption, I'm just not sure she'll be able to stick to it after being confronted by friends and family members.

This time around I'm actually grieving the loss before it happens. I don't feel like this is going to go through and maybe that's because I have no one to talk to about it, or maybe I'm just to scared to get hurt again. I guess the good thing is that if it does fall through, the grieving part will already be over with.

The good thing is that if this does go through, she is completely open to not only letters and pictures at first, but also visits and phone calls. YAY!! How awesome would it be for our child to be able to call birth mom whenever he has questions? By the way, its a boy! An at least 8lb boy.

To Tell or Not to Tell (Part 2)

2008-08-06T09:08:00.011-06:00

There is also one more piece to this quandary...... Do we tell our families when we get chosen again?

With the last situation we were brutally honest about the risk involved. We made sure from day 1 the family was fully aware birth mom could change her mind at any time. But to our families that meant, "yes it is a possibility and that sort of thing happens to other people all the time, but that would never happen to us".

Unfortunately, since birth mom did have a change of heart, she solidified that "fact" that she was a "bad" person in their minds. So on top of grieving the loss of our child and the great friendship we had with birth mom, we were still having to defend birth mom on a regular basis to our families. Isn't it amazing how those going through trauma end up being the support system for the family instead of the other way around? I see it with cancer patients all the time. It's really sad.

So this time around we are considering a different, although more difficult path affectionately known as "Plan B" .

What would happen if no one knew when we were chosen again? The tough part here would be having no familial support system. Plus, here we would be with really exciting news and no one to share it with. What a bummer!

But on the other hand.... if things go south and birth mom changes her mind again..... no one would know. They wouldn't get hurt and we wouldn't have to be their therapeutic outlet on top of dealing with our own loss.

It would be a little tougher on us during the process, but once we brought baby home.......... Hopefully the family would be so focused on him that they wouldn't be too hurt by being left out of the loop. Plus we could delay the news until after baby's first night in his new home. It would give us and baby a little more time to adjust before the chaos starts. (We both come from BIG families .)

So, after thinking this all out blog-style, I think it all makes good sense. It may be harder on us at first, but it seems in our familial situation it would be best to keep things quiet at first. I also think that keeping birth family's and baby's background private would be a good thing as well. Just like the Smith family is doing. We don't want our child to be in a situation where he's forced to defend his birth family. Or in a situation where he feels he is a bad person solely because of where he came from. That's just too HUGE a load to lay on a little person's shoulders.

To Tell or Not To Tell

2008-07-31T11:45:00.013-06:00

We ran into some friends at one of our favorite restaurants the other day. YUM CAKE!! Their daughter and son-in-law just adopted a baby. Their family (we'll call them the Smith family), is a little frustrated because the parents won't share any of the baby's background information.

You see there is a big debate about that issue, especially when the child comes from what would be considered a "socially unacceptable" situation. Some people share all the details with family and friends and the child is raised in an environment where everyone knows his private business. The risk?? Baby may find out information before he is emotionally mature enough to handle it. It can put the child at risk and add on to the already existing adoption/abandonment issues.

Others believe it best to keep quiet about the details and gradually tell baby as he matures. That way he choses who knows and when. It gives him the power to decide for himself.

So the question is, do we tell our families, or do we not?

One more component to this discussion involves the reaction of family members. For example, when we were chosen by a birth family the first time, we told our families everything we knew. One side of the family was caring and concerned for birth mother. They even shed tears for her.

The other side of the family took a position of power and judgement. Instantly deciding that we needed to know what a bad person birth mom was because of the situation she was in. To be honest, it was brutal. There was an almost daily barrage of judgement. It was like being in the middle of some epic battle. That heavy weight along with the normal stress of knowing mom could change her mind at any time made the situation horrendously unbearable.

So if we ever get chosen again (we've been waiting almost 3 years now since our initial approval) we have a HUGE decision to make. Do we tell our families or not? Do we give them background on the birth family or not? Or do we let our child decide when they feel safe enough to bring up the subject. At first we were unsure of what to do because it didn't seem fair to make one family pay because the other side was behaving so badly. But on the other hand it's not fair to keep the judgemental family in the dark when everyone else knows..............

Friends and Family Having Babies

2008-05-28T14:00:00.001-06:00

Hey All,

There is no new news to report at this time. It seems that all of the children up for adoption right now have been exposed to excessive amounts of drugs and alcohol during pregnancy, so our book hasn't even been in circulation in a while.

On the upside we found out another friend just had their baby and our nephew is expecting as well.

Congrats to them!!

Nosy Questions

2008-03-25T17:29:00.038-06:00

Recently I saw a small story on another blog regarding nosy questions. For those who don't know, many times adopted families are more conspicuous than traditional or "normal" families. As a result, questions from strangers are more common. I was amazed at how angry and offended adoptive parents get when this happens.

I guess I'm surprised because when I was younger I was able to spend a lot of bonding time with my nieces and nephews. My nephew (being of mixed race) used to draw some attention. Most of the attention was due to his absolute cuteness!! But sometimes people did ask me if he was mine. I proudly said he was my nephew and they would proceed to gush at the intensity of his cuteness (I swear, he was really adorable, always smiling).

Anyway, the postings on the blog I read were very disturbing to me for a few reasons. For example, the intensity of the anger felt by adoptive parents when questioned by a stranger was HUGE! It seems a substantial number of adoptive parents take these questions as some sort of personal attack.
WOW!!
What if the person was asking questions because they were either interested in, or knew someone who was interested in adopting? Instead of taking the opportunity to educate the questioner or refer them to another resource, some parents react with anger, frustration and, at times, some very unkind words. This got me thinking..... Is the true issue really the questions, or is it unresolved personal stuff?? I just can't tell for sure.

The other thing that bothered me was the fact that the child usually observed the exchange between their parent and the questioner.

So what does the child see?...... They see mommy and daddy getting very angry and defensiveif anyone brings up their adoption in public. To a child that's like saying their adoption is a bad thing. Even though the parents may be completely open with the child about their adoption in private, acting angry and defensive in public can send the child a mixed message. Which brings up another scary question... Could the anger felt by some adopted kids be a direct result of their parent's unresolved anger issues?

So what if someone doesn't know the "politically correct" way to phrase their questions? So what if they are just curious or nosy? I really don't feel that people who ask questions are trying to hurt or judge anyone. I think they want the opportunity to understand and learn from our experiences. This may sound naive to some, but it's how I feel.

I think there are much more constructive ways to handle these types of situations. For example we will keep a few of our social worker's business cards handy (with a couple of good websites written on the back). Then if we're in a hurry, we can apologize for not having time to chat, while offering them the card instead (so they can do research on their own). If we have time to talk and the questions get too personal, we can politely say "I'm sorry but I don't feel comfortable discussing that kind of personal information with a stranger". If they use incorrect terminology, we can gently redirect them to the politically correct phrasing to help them avoid offending someone in the future.

Hopefully our child can learn how to interact with others by watching our example. Maybe that way he/she won't feel like their adoption is taboo or bad thing.

I guess the main thing for us to keep in mind is the fact that the exchange isn't about us. It's about the child. We need to set the best example we can in front of him/her so they can learn important lessons about interacting with others, maybe even feel more grounded and be healthier emotionally. How great would it be if we could foster greater feelings of pride in our child, regarding who they are and where they come from, along the way. To me, it's worth the effort!

Drug & Alcohol Class

2008-03-24T17:52:00.005-06:00

Hey all!!

We went to a drug and alcohol class this morning at Catholic Charities. There was a prenatal specialist there who explained the effects of all sorts of drugs on a fetus (including smoking and alcohol).

There were several surprising things. We discovered the most damaging drug right now (that they have info on) is ALCOHOL. Yep that's right, alcohol. But, most of the studies are out of date....at least 10-20 years old. They don't really have any accurate data on the new meth craze. So unfortunately, we are running blind on that issue. It seems all of the drugs can cause permanent problems, but the meth products (the old fashioned stuff that doesn't contain gasoline, household cleaners, etc..) can cause psychotic behavior as well as anger and other behavior or learning issues.

It's really scary. They said that unfortunately, on "the street" rumors spread that certain drugs are perfectly safe to use during pregnancy (WRONG!!), so addicts will switch to those instead of using their old stand-by. How scary is that!!

The one encouraging thing they said is that the baby's environment can alleviate some of the effects. If the baby is raised in a loving home with lots of love and bonding, it can really help undo some of the damage, but if there is brain damage involved, that is another issue.

We also found out that a large percentage of SIDS cases are related to smoking, drugs or alcohol use during pregnancy, smoking in the home after baby is born, or baby sleeping in the same bed as mom and dad. The sad thing is, they don't know how much of a risk (percentage wise) these things pose because there are no completed studies yet. But there is a definite link.

It's unfortunate they don't have more data to go on, but most birthmoms won't admit to anything because they are open to prosecution in most states. So unfortunately the medical community can only guess for now.

There is more bad news.......we lost another grandparent last month. The sad thing is that this grandparent was an "adopted" grandparent. She was the only real Grandma Phyllis had growing up (her bio-grandma wasn't really interested in playing the role). She was adopted as an infant, returned to an orphanage, and then lived in foster care after that. We adopted her as a grandparent when she was in her 60s. She was sooooooooo looking forward to having another adopted baby in the family. She couldn't wait. Such a bummer!!

Friends Having Babies

2008-02-04T17:49:00.002-07:00

Boy, it's been FOREVER since we did an entry. Unfortunatley there has been and still is no news to share. We are still waiting patiently.

Some good news though..... one of our friends is pregnant and another friend finally got their adopted baby last month (they only had to wait a year).

Congrats to both families !

Still Waiting....

2007-11-15T17:18:00.003-07:00

Hey All,

Nothing new to report. We are still waiting.....

It gets tough this time of year because everyone is making plans for the holidays. The hardest part is that we lost our Dad in October. He is one more Grandparent that our child will never meet.

I'm sorry to sound so negative, but it's tough being the only siblings in two families whose children won't have the opportunity to meet some of their Grandparents. It just sucks!

Another Disappointing Story

2007-09-29T17:37:00.004-06:00

Hey everyone! Well, ready for the latest disappointing story?

Don had a friend at work, who's family member was pregnant and putting the baby up for adoption. She suggested us as possible adoptive parents. Woo Hoo! We kept this pretty quite within the family this time around, just in case...... Anyway the baby was due in October, but the birth parents were using another adoption agency at the time, which wasn't a problem.

We found out yesterday that the baby was born last week. The problem is, birth parents lied to their adoption agency about drug and alcohol use. Evidently the birth mom used enough to cause problems with the baby, because once the child was born the adoption agency dropped them cold and was going to turn the matter over to social services instead. The grounds for severing the relationship was drug and alcohol use during the first 5 months of pregnancy.

Anyway, another family member adopted the child instead. But yet again, things didn't work out.

I wonder if we are the only couple from our original class 2 years ago who haven't been placed yet? My hopes are quickly fading. We are trying to stay positive, but it's really hard right now. Maybe we should adopt internationally?

I'm so floored at how many pregnant women use drugs and alcohol when they are pregnant. It seems they are either in extreme denial, trying to escape their reality, or just don't care what kind of damage they cause because it won't be their problem anyway. Isn't there anyone out there who can put aside their own drama and do what's best for their child and that child's future?!?!?

I'm sorry if I sound angry, but it breaks my heart to see so many children's futures ruined simply because their birthmom doesn't care enough about them to get help and make the necessary sacrifices. I know it's not that simple. I know it's about deeper issues. But it still breaks my heart into tiny little pieces.

Anyway, that's the latest news.

Take care!!

A Baby Boy is Born!

2007-05-16T17:27:00.002-06:00

We got a phone call yesterday afternoon! YAY!!

A baby boy was born on the 14Th: 5 lbs, 13 oz's. His birth-mom is 41 years old, a widow, with several children of her own ranging in age from grade school to early 20s. They didn't know who the father was since birth-mom was raped when passed out at a party.

The catch was that birth-mom had smoked marijuana twice a week and used cocaine twice a month during the entire pregnancy. After birth, mom and child tested positive for both drugs. Baby was eating and sleeping normally and not showing signs of withdrawal so far.

We spent several hours calling doctors and doing research regarding the possible effects on the child. What we found is the problems could be serious, but it would be a gamble. There have been kids whose parents used coke heavily for the entire pregnancy, but turned out to be fine. There were others whose parents used it once during pregnancy and ended up with a bunch of problems ranging from ADD to Autism to Leukemia, later on in life.

After much debating and a rough nights sleep, we decided to decline. We just aren't sure that we have the life experience to handle a situation like that.

It's hard because when we started this we assumed that women who chose adoption would take care of themselves and their unborn child. But it seems that many just don't care enough about themselves or their baby to do that. The result is a bunch of children born with all kinds of problems and forced to live very difficult lives. I just don't understand the logic......

Oh well, I guess we just keep waiting and see what comes next.

Still Waiting

2007-05-09T15:56:00.002-06:00

Unfortunately there is nothing going on right now on the adoption front. There aren't any birthmom's available at this time.

BUMMER!!

It's actually really sad because Phyllis lost her Grandmother last month. We were hoping she would have the opportunity to meet her newest great grandchild before she passed. We can only hope we receive a child before any other family members pass. That's the hard thing about being the youngest in a large family and not being able to have our children at a younger age. Unfortunately our kids will miss out on a lot of the things our nieces and nephews take for granted.

Oh well, we will keep you posted.

Waiting

2007-01-27T15:51:00.003-07:00

Hey Everyone

Hope all is well!!!

We just wanted to let you know the latest. Well.....there actually is no latest, but we did find out we are at least active right now, which means that a couple of birthmoms did take a peek at our book this month. We just weren't chosen. Oh well!! That's okay, it will happen when it's meant to.

Anyway, take care!!

Slim Chances

2006-12-11T15:43:00.006-07:00

We got a call from our social worker last Weds. the 6th. It was regarding a situation that MIGHT come up, but chances were slim.

Baby was born on November 29th and was doing well, but in the custody of Birth Grandma. It seems baby was born addicted to Meth. She was eating okay, but going through withdrawals. After doing our own research and talking to doctors we learned some scary information....

The problems that can arise with Meth babies (especially ones that were exposed to it the entire pregnancy like this one was) are HUGE. No physical defects normally, but major developmental stuff with a very real risk of violence or psychotic behavior. We decided that we didn't have the resources or life experience to handle such a potentially harmful situation. Maybe if we already had a child or two..... but for our first, it was just a little more than we could handle.

Well better luck next time!!

Merry Christmas everyone!!!!

Nothing New

2006-11-10T14:11:00.002-07:00

Well, we heard from the social worker yesterday. No news. She said that we won't hear anything until next year. Evidently the holidays are a time when pregnant girls don't want to deal with the issue. It is also a time when those who are trying to parent get caught up in the fantasy of parenting and decide to stick with it for a while longer. So it is extremely unlikely that we will get a call. I guess it will happen when it's right.

Happy Holidays!!!

Update on Birthmom

2006-10-31T14:06:00.002-07:00

Happy Halloween!!!!!

No new news yet. Bummer!! We did find out that the mother of the baby we were going to adopt last June changed the baby's name. We had already filled out the birth certificate with our name before everything fell through. I guess it's to be expected, although it really hurt when we found out. I don't know why. Goofy huh???

Unfortunately the baby's new name may get her teased unmercifully in school. Oh well, but that's okay, at least she is still able to hang with her mom. We wish them all the good things they can handle!!!

Annual Visit

2006-10-17T14:00:00.005-06:00

Today our social worker came over for our annual visit. This is when they go through all the original paperwork to make sure there are no changes as well as check out the house. Changes can be anything from what types of drug use from birthmom, to age of child, etc... I think she was surprised we didn't request anything new (as far as what we are willing to accept) especially after what happened in June. But we did decide to open up our options to a baby up to 6 months of age. It may increase our chances slightly. We shall see......

Back in Circulation

2006-10-03T13:55:00.000-06:00

Just a quick note to let everyone know we put our adoption book back in circulation today! WOO HOO!

For those of you who don't understand, here's how it works. When we first started we had to create a photo album that prospective moms could look at to get an idea of who we were, what our families were like, etc.. After the failed adoption, we had that book pulled from circulation. We were basically put "on hold" for a while until we dealt with stuff. Now the adoption agency is able to give that book out again to birthmoms. Oh boy!! exciting things!!

Lessons Learned

2006-09-29T20:04:00.006-06:00

After all we went through we decided to pull our book from circulation for a while. We've taken the summer off in order to give us time to recover from the whole ordeal. We just need a little time to recover.

It is still surprising to us how much we've learned through the whole process. We now know more about adoption and how a plan can be negatively affected by family and friends on both sides. We also learned a lot about ourselves and human behavior as well.

When it came to the adoption process we always agreed to do whatever birthmom needed or wanted, no matter the imposition on us. Since she was going through a very difficult time in her life, the least we could do was provide support for her in any way needed. Now we know to be more careful. It is important to find a balance between what birthmom needs and what we can give without hurting ourselves in the process. When birthmom says sincerely that there is no way she will change her mind, we now know that even though she may believe that, things can still change once baby is here. Birthmom may not have the life experience to really understand the reality of the situation until she is staring it (or him or her) in the face.

If birthmom needs us to go with her to doctor appointments, we will do that. We wouldn’t want any of our family members to deal with something like this on their own, so why would we let birthmom? If she wants us in the delivery room with her we will be there, but after baby is born, no matter how much birthparents may protest, we will return home. If, like last time, birthmom wants us to stay with her in the hospital, we will politely decline and explain that we feel she needs time and physical space alone with her child and away from us. We will return to the hospital when it’s time to pick up baby. Hopefully by doing this we will protect ourselves from some of the drama. If birthparent's family has a problem with us being at the hospital for delivery, then we won’t be there. Just because we are adopting their child doesn’t mean we need to subject ourselves to abuse from other family members or nurses.

We also learned to beware of birthdad, his family and birthmom’s family. Please don’t get us wrong. We don’t mean this in a sinister way. If there is any sign they are not on board with the adoption, then it has a much higher chance of falling through. For example, birthmom and her grandma always TOLD us that birthmom’s mom was on board. But her actions never showed it. She never went to doctor appointments with her daughter. She only went to one of many meetings with the social worker. Even though she was taping the ultrasounds for "us", she never made an effort to meet us until grandpa wanted to. On top of that she was extremely hostile at the hospital. All of those things SHOWED us that she was not on board and was just playing along until the perfect opportunity arose for her to take control. She also may not have been honest with herself about how she felt. Either way, the result is the same. Birthdad also never showed up. He never signed the paperwork, and he continued to make promises he never kept. In the future we know that no matter what the family SAYS, we need to focus on HOW THEY ACT and WHAT THEY DO. We found in this type of situation, people had more of a tendency to tell us what they thought we wanted to hear instead of what they were truly feeling. It will be important for us in the future to pay more attention to the messages they are sending non-verbally.

We can't stress how important it is to surround yourself with loving supportive people if you are in the process of adopting. It is imperative to be honest with yourself regarding your family’s and friend’s strengths, weaknesses, and past behavior. That is the only way to protect everyone, including yourself, from undue stress or torment.

Human behavior is a goofy thing. We, as humans, do some really stupid stuff!! A person’s defense mechanisms can fire up at the slightest threat. For example, when people are fearful or feel their lives are out of control they have a tendency to be judgmental and/or go into fight mode. You see, in the beginning we were VERY HONEST with our families and friends regarding the emotional dangers and risks involved in adopting locally. We wanted to make sure they knew exactly what we, and they, were getting into (if they chose to be a part of the process). That way they could “opt out” of the drama if they chose and we would keep things from them until baby came home. Everyone was so excited about the new baby they said stress was not an issue. Unfortunately, when push came to shove, that usually wasn't true.

Just keep in mind, if you decide to adopt, really think about who you involve in the process. Be cautious. Those members of your inner circle, who behave in a negative manner in times of stress, will most likely behave in a similar way here. If you have family or friends haven't had the emotional capacity to be there for you when you needed them most, don't expect them to be there for you now. We learned that it is important to surround yourself with people who will be there to support you unconditionally without judgment, competition, or other narcissistic types of behavior. Sometimes a person's fragile self esteem can’t handle something happening unless it’s about them. To them it feels like they are being disrespected in some way, or maybe they aren't important anymore. They have to be center of attention all the time. Be careful with these family members. We learned this lesson the hard way, but at least now we know to either not include them in the process or set VERY FIRM boundaries the next time around.

Those who are “old school” in their thinking, may believe the old stereotypes about birth parents and/or race, even if they won’t admit it to themselves. But it may show up as hurtful teasing or other subtle comments. We now know that the "teasing" we've seen over the years from certain family members is actually a sign of something bigger. Aggressive teasing is a form of sideways anger and self esteem issues. If you have family or friends with this type of behavior, please be careful. There is just too much at risk.

We also learned that no matter how much you educate some people, they may actually REFUSE to shift their thinking. Some members of our family jokingly say "don’t confuse the issue with fact". All of the articles, life experience, or evidence in the world won’t change their minds. So, next time we won't try, we've learned to set that boundary early. You may have to be firm by telling someone you love that this is the life you have chosen for yourself and your children. They need to know that this is not a decision you entered into lightly, you did your research and are proceeding. The topic is not open for discussion. When they try to push or argue, you may need to walk away. That is an important lesson Phyllis learned. She never knew you could just walk away.

In our situation, hopefully, the birthparents will become a part of our lives. It is very important for us to have an open adoption. Birthmom and birthdad will be invited to birthday parties and special events. If family members refuse to accept these people as part of the family, then we may need to seriously reconsider sending invitations to those family members. We know this type of situation sounds harsh and impossible, but it could happen. Just be aware that it could.

With all of the lessons we learned, the most important ones are the ones we learned about ourselves and our own behavior. We now know we have more control over things than we thought. We can walk away if people are being unreasonable and refuse to get sucked into their drama. We can find a way to keep our voice. Instead of getting defensive right away, we can take control of certain situations by asking others to clarify their comments instead of assuming the meaning. We can find that balance between helping out birthmom and taking care of ourselves. Hopefully the next round will go much smoother. I guess time will tell................

Closure Letters

2006-09-20T18:39:00.011-06:00

What can we say about the closure letters? They made us CRAZY!
When a closure letter was first suggested by birthmom’s social worker, it was intended as a way for us to say the things we didn’t get a chance to........ but that changed over time.

What made those letters so difficult was the fact that they were never good enough. Before we sent our letters, both social workers had to approve of them. They wanted to make sure we didn’t vent any unnecessary anger in the heat of the moment, which we agreed made total sense. Our social worker suggested some very good changes that were definitely worthwhile in the end. Birthmom’s social worker, although full of heartfelt promises, never got back to us. She didn’t return emails or phone calls. We were essentially left hanging again (just like at the hospital).

Our letters were very positive. We made sure that birthmom knew we had no hard feelings about her change of heart. We wanted her know that even though we were disappointed, we didn’t feel betrayed by her decision. We also made sure she knew how much we still cared for her and her family........

But we also told her everything we went through at the hospital, including the way we were treated by the nurses and how hard it was to be left hanging. Phyllis’ letter (the one containing that specific info) never did pass inspection. The social workers never understood the point. The point was to help birthmom learn a very important lesson about communication. Unfortunately, now that birthmom is raising her daughter she must have constant contact with birthdad. If she were to leave him hanging the way we were left hanging, he could get violent. She or the baby could get hurt. If we heard on the news that something had happened to birthmom because birthdad went postal (and we could have done something to prevent it but didn’t), we could never forgive ourselves. That’s why we had to tell her. For her and her daughter's personal safety, it was an important lesson for her to learn.

Because our letters were always being rejected, we felt like our voices weren't being heard, like our feelings didn't matter. It seemed that the social workers only wanted fluffy, happy things in the letter that would make birthmom feel better about changing her mind. It was a tough situation. After all the abuse in the hospital, we were basically being told again that we just didn’t matter. It was all about birthmom.

In the old days, adoption was all about the adoptive parents. Birthmom was nothing more than an incubator. Now it seems the pendulum has swung the other way. All the focus is on birthmom and the adoptive parents are seen as the bad guy, as vultures. Hopefully the day will come when there can be equal concern shown to both sides, without judgement. Things will run much smoother then.

After weeks of tears, anger, and fighting, Phyllis just decided to take control of an uncontrollable situation and send our letters “as is”. We sent birthmom a big box of gifts for her and her daughter along with 3 open envelopes. Two of those had our original letters in them. The 3rd was a generic congratulations, hope-all-is-well-type of letter. We emailed both social workers and told them we couldn’t be left hanging any longer, it was killing us and affecting our relationship. Having to wait on birthmom's social worker was too tortuous and preventing us from grieving and moving on. So we sent the box as is. Fortunately, we had to send the box to the social worker’s office anyway. We let birthmom’s social worker know the box was comming. We advised her to open it and read the letters before she gave it to birth mom. She could tear up the ones she didn’t approve of and keep the ones she felt were okay for birthmom to see.

Unfortunately we never heard from birthmom again (she didn't write a letter) which is too bad because we really liked her. But the good thing is that even though this process was difficult we learned some very important lessons……

Change of Heart

2006-09-17T18:26:00.000-06:00

At that time we can honestly say our hearts were breaking more for birthmom than for us. We always knew there was a 50/50 chance she would have a change of heart. But we didn’t expect her to be so beaten down and devastated by it.

Once back at the hotel we started the painful process of telling our family and friends the news. It was so hard breaking our family’s hearts like that. Birthmom’s social worker called after meeting with birthmom. She wanted to stop by and talk. She also confirmed to us that birthmom had a change of heart. It was late, around 11pm, but we had her come by anyway.

When we saw her we just hugged her and cried. The social worker told us that earlier in the day, birthdad went back to see birthmom. He cried and told her he couldn’t sign the papers. He wanted to keep the baby. We always knew this was a risk, but because of birthdad’s history, the social workers didn’t think the courts would give him custody. We also figured that once he got home and really thought about it, he would change his mind. Either that or his mom would give him a good talking to and he would sign the papers.

The social worker told us everything had been fine earlier in the day. So it seemed things went down hill right when birthmom’s mom arrived. That woman is a tornado of turmoil and drama! We don’t know for sure what happened, but we have our suspicions. We suspect that birthmom’s mom saw us as a threat not only to her relationship with her daughter, but also with her parents. We got the feeling that birthmom’s mom felt she was the black sheep. She was the one in the family that had to be center of attention at all times. If she wasn’t center of everyone’s attention all the time, then she felt betrayed. We think that she may have thought her parents cared more for us then they did for her. We do know that birthmom’s mom made a bunch of promises to help. We sincerely hope she decides to be there for her daughter this time around. Otherwise Grandma is going to have to pick up the slack.... again.

The social worker confirmed to us that birth grandma was angry at the decision and that birthmom was very upset, because she acquiesced to raising the baby under duress. She really didn’t want to. But with the doubt created by birthdad and her mom, she did it more out of fear then anything else. We don’t think she wanted her little girl to end up in birthdad’s care. She was afraid for her daughter. Who can blame her for that?

We talked for an hour or so about birthmom, her family, birthdad, and birthmom’s mom’s emotional instability. It was really hard. In order to help the healing and grieving process, the social worker suggested we write closure letters to each other, in a week or so. Since birthmom agreed, we agreed (more about that drama later). After the social worker left, Phyllis went to the hotel’s front desk to let them know we would be checking out early. They also cut her wristband off. The front desk ladies and Phyllis all cried together.

The next morning we came home. The dogs even had a tough time of it for a while. K.D. Blue kept going into the baby’s room and looking into the crib. You could tell she was looking for something. She moped for a week or two. And then there were the numerous times we ran into friends and acquaintances who enthusiastically wished us sincerest congratulations. It was tough telling them we had come home empty handed and congratulations were no longer necessary. We can’t tell you how many people told us “It just wasn’t meant to be”. Some days it was comforting to hear. Other days it was just annoying. We know God has a special little soul picked out for us. When the time is right we will meet the right birthmom.

The good thing about this whole experience is we got the opportunity to meet a really wonderful family (except for birthmom’s mom). We learned a lot about ourselves and our own behavior patterns. We also learned a lot about the process and our families and friends as well.

What made the situation worse was the drama around the closure letters. Those letters made life a living hell for a while……

Birthmom Wavers

2006-09-13T12:53:00.019-06:00

When we arrived with dinner, mom and grandma were there with birthmom. They had brought her dinner as well! Grandma seemed genuinely happy to see us. Birthmom’s mom was…..well,…… just being birthmom’s mom. Grandma had the nurses put their sandwich in the fridge for later, so birthmom could have the hot food right away. We decided to go to the cafeteria and eat our dinner too. Birthmom told us to leave our camera and stuff in her room while we ate, so we didn't have to lug it around with us.

Afterwards, we went to visit Kaylie. We got to hang out with her a while, feeding and burping her (you always had to burp her, even when she didn’t eat). That girl could burp like a sailor!! I’ve never heard a newborn baby burp that loud before!! Holy cow!!

The nurses said birthmom was coming up for a visit (they seemed worried that it would be a problem). How weird!! We couldn’t understand why the nurses would think it was a problem. We LOVED birthmom. A short while later one of birthmom’s nurses showed up. We asked why birthmom didn’t come and the nurse said that they wanted to bring the baby down, not have birthmom come up. She asked us if we wanted to come too, so we said sure!! So we all headed down to see birthmom together.

Once we got to her floor, another nurse said that birthmom and her family needed some time alone with Kaylie. We were okay with that (of course!!) and went to get our stuff from birthmom’s room. We told birthmom we were going to give them some time alone and her mom snapped at us and said "yes" in a really nasty way. We double checked at that time with birthmom by asking if she wanted us to just take our things and go back to the hotel, but she said no. She wanted us to stay.

We had a bad feeling about the whole thing. It felt like we did something wrong. So we went to call some of our family members who were on their way for a visit. We told them they would probably NOT be able to see Kaylie if they came. We told them it was okay if they wanted to go back home. But they weren’t hearing us. We don’t know if it was the connection or noise or what. But we repeated several times that they WOULD NOT see the baby and they said they wanted to come anyway. So we waited….. Once they arrived we decided to go hang out in the cafeteria because there was more room there. While Don took our family members to the cafeteria, Phyllis and her mom went to let the nurses know where we could be found as well as give them Don’s cell phone number (just in case birthmom needed anything). We asked them to have birthmom to call us if she needed us to go home. We wanted to make sure she knew that it was okay if she needed space. We didn’t want our presence to pressure her in any way.

Right away the nurses started accusing us of hovering and pressuring birthmom. Phyllis was so stunned she didn’t know what to say at first. The nurses said we needed to give birthmom her space. Phyllis told them we had only seen birthmom for about 2 hours total the whole day (which at that time had been over an 8-9 hour period). Phyllis also told them that we only did what birthmom asked us and that we had asked her several times during the day if she would rather us leave to give her time and space. Phyllis told them we would leave right now, but birthmom kept saying she wanted us to stay. The nurses continued to make accusations and Phyllis continued to defend our character. Finally the nurses realized that we weren’t the vultures they made us out to be. By the time the exchange was finished everyone was crying and hugging everyone else. One of the nurses had been in the position of adopting a child and also giving a child up for adoption. She gave Phyllis a hug and told her she knew how hard this was for her. We took that as our first concrete hint that birthmom was wavering. We also knew that it was normal for birthmom to waver. So although we were concerned, we didn’t completely freak out…....yet.

Phyllis and her mom joined everyone else in the cafeteria. Of course we ate cake!! Comfort and stress food!! Phyllis told Don about the exchange. He tried to get a hold of our social worker, but to no avail. Both social workers were unavailable. So, we waited…. The most difficult thing was the unknown. We had no idea what was going on or why things had changed so quickly. So there we were waiting. Unfortunately the family thought it was a good idea to put us in the middle of some sort of battle between them and the birth family. I'm not sure why they thought making us defend people we care about at a time when we could be losing the child we had waited for for so long was a help. The mix of not being able to get a hold of a social worker as well as hearing our family rip apart birthmom and her family made matters soooooooooooo much worse. It made an already difficult situation a thousand times harder. I guess they were acting that way because they felt they were defending us, but it still didn’t help matters any.

Finally the social workers called back, first ours then birthmom’s. Birthmom’s social worker had no idea what was going on. When she left everything was right on track. Our social worker just tried to be as supportive as she could considering the circumstances. Around 10p.m. and after several calls with the social workers, we decided to go back to the hotel. We were upset, angry and hurt. Not because birthmom was wavering, but because we had been left hanging for HOURS and had to defend our character. We were shaking from the attacks and stress. So we decided to leave.

While waiting for the elevator Phyllis’ sister made a HUGE scene. She physically got right into Don's face and verbally attacked him. It was like watching Godzilla attack Tokyo. She was angry that she didn’t get to see Kaylie and was demanding to either be taken up to the nursery or to birthmom’s room. Everyone in the cafeteria was staring and Don had to defend (yet again) our decisions, birthmom and her family, and God knows what else. Don handled it really well. I can’t believe how long it took for that elevator to come!

While Phyllis’ family went to the parking garage to wait for us, we went up to birthmom’s room. The nurses saw us coming and told us that mom was still there. They wouldn’t allow us in her room without an escort this time. We felt like criminals. We had gone from family friends to the enemy within just a few hours. We hoped that their opinions of us were generated by birthmom's mom and not by anything we did. When we walked into the room we saw a devastating scene. Birthmom was there. She looked like she had been through a war. We’d never seen her look so distraught and broken. Our hearts broke for her. There was a new person in the room (we can only guess she was one of birthmom’s friends). Grandma was very very angry. Birthmom’s mom was smiling in the most evil way with her arms folded across her chest. She was gloating and looked at us with such malice. It was unbelievable the rage that was directed toward us from that woman.

We told birthmom that we were leaving. We gave her a hug and whispered in her ear that she needed to do what she thought was best for her and her baby. She hugged us really tight. We then hugged Grandma, told her thank you and to take care of birthmom, herself and grandpa. Then we grabbed our things and left. As we passed by the nurses station we stopped to give them hugs. They kept saying how sorry they were that things turned out the way they did. When we asked what to do about Phyllis’ bracelet (the one they give parents that allows them into the nursery), one nurse said keep it because we didn't know for sure if things were going to change or not, while another nurse came with scissors to cut it off. That is when we got confirmation that birthmom changed her mind. It came from the nurses! The nurses knew birthmom had changed her mind before her social worker knew she was even considering it!

We met Phyllis' family in the garage and said our good byes. They went back home and we went back to the hotel. We spoke with our social worker on the phone from the car and filled her in as much as we could. Unfortunately at that time we still officially had no idea what was going on........

The Day After

2006-09-12T12:12:00.001-06:00

The next morning (June 6th) we arrived at the hospital 1 ½ hours later than we wanted too. OOPS! We decided to go see baby girl first. When we got to the nursury they told us baby was with her mom, so we ventured down there. Grandma and birthmom's social worker were with her when we got there. She looked great!!

We got a chance to sit and talk to everyone. We asked Grandma if birthmom’s mom was okay. We were very concerned after the behavior of the previous day. Grandma said she would be fine and there was nothing we could do, so even though we felt horrible, we let it go. We visited with birthmom and baby girl for about 1 ½ hours. Birthmom had us fill out the birth certificate with the name we chose and our personal information. Baby’s new name was Makayla Ann (Kaylie for short)! Before lunch we had asked birthmom how she felt about some family members coming to see the baby. She said “Of course!!” As it turned out only Phyllis’ mom and dad, her two sisters and her niece would come later in the day around 5pm or 6pm. Don's family were looking at comming the next day.

We also found out that birthfather was going to come see the baby that afternoon as well. We figured if we went to lunch right away, we could be back in time for his visit. Birthmom was uncomfortable about seeing birthdad. We told her we would do whatever she wanted us to do, even go home if it would make it easier on her. But she decided she would rather us show Kaylie to birthdad and his family. We were okay with that. Birthmom was still at the top of our priority list. We wanted to make sure she felt safe and comfortable.

When asked about lunch, Birthmom decided to risk eating hospital food. That’s a brave girl for ya!! So we left our camera and our dinner (we thought it safer to eat our own food for dinner) in her room and went out to lunch. At lunch we made some phone calls and checked with our insurance company to find out what was needed to get baby Kaylie on our insurance. Afterwards we decided to hit Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory!! We knew birthmom liked their creams so we decided to bring some back for her (to make up for the hospital food).

When we got back to the hospital we had some time alone with birthmom. She reiterated the fact that she didn’t want to meet with birthdad and asked us if we would show him the baby. After our short visit we went back up to the nursery to get ready for birthdad’s visit. The staff had set aside a small room for us earlier in the day to keep our stuff in and visit with Kaylie, so that’s where we had him meet us.
Birthdad arrived, shortly after we got there, with birthmom’s social worker, his mom and his sister. At first they were very timid, almost cautious. You could tell they weren’t sure where they stood. They asked if they could hold her and we told them “of course, you are her family”. At that point we decided to leave the room so they could have some one on one time with Kaylie. It was fun watching them all hold her. They took pictures, made phone calls, noticed family resemblances, and checked all her fingers and toes.

Seeing birthfather with the baby was amazing! Even though he looks like an adult, he is still a teenager/child. It was an amazing experience to watch one child’s awe at the sight of another. He was charmingly awkward about the whole thing. It was very special and really cute!

We could tell after spending time with birthdad’s mom and sister that they were both very comfortable with us raising the baby. Birthdad’s mom kept testing Don by making him hold the baby and asking certain questions. He DEFINITELY passed the test. She felt very comfortable with him.

After a while, birthdad went down to meet with birthmom and her social worker while birthdad’s mom and sister stayed with us. Once everyone left we decided to go see birthmom, and make sure she was okay after her meeting. She said all went well and she was surprised by the fact that birthdad had cried. She also mentioned that it looked like we would be taking Kaylie home in a day or so.

Birthmom was starving!! The hospital lunch was really bad so she didn’t eat it. We offered to go get her something. You could tell she felt guilty for asking, but like we said before, we saw her as an adopted niece. We would have done anything to make her hospital visit more comfortable.

Before we left everything was going great. The social worker left shortly before we did and said everything was right on track. It was nice to see that birthdad’s mom and sister were okay with us raising Kaylie (especially after they found out we were more than willing to write letters, send pictures and set up visits). We had the opportunity to feed and/or change Kaylie throughout the day. We also had the chance to talk to the nurses and doctors about some concerns. It was a surreal experience..........

Baby's Birthday!!

2006-09-09T11:03:00.000-06:00

The night before they induced labor, we went out to dinner with birthmom and her family. Her mom and Grandpa wanted to meet us before the baby came. WHAT A GREAT IDEA!!

We were very nervous at first. It always felt like a blind date whenever we met a new member of the family. Things got much easier once we sat down and started talking. Birthmom and her Grandma and Grandpa are very easy to talk to. They are open, honest and emotionally stable people. Birthmom’s mom was another story. Don’t get me wrong, she was nice to us, but there were definitely some underlying issues there. Fortunately we have a few family members with similar issues, so we knew how to handle it. Since we were familiar with the type, it didn’t bother us as much as it should have (although Phyllis left with a bad feeling in the pit of her stomach).

After dinner we went back to birthmom’s house (which was actually Grandma and Grandpa’s house) to hang out and look at photo albums. Birthmom’s mom didn’t come because she had other plans. We spent the next couple of hours talking and looking at pictures. We can’t tell you how much we enjoyed our time with Grandma, Grandpa, and birthmom!! Birthmom and her grandparents are TRULY GREAT PEOPLE !! They were the type of people we could see ourselves growing very close to over the years. An open adoption with them would have been the easiest thing in the world for us. They were very excited to have us raise the baby. Everything went really well that day.

Originally birthmom wanted us to spend the next few nights in the hospital with her so we could take care of the baby and just hang out. But we didn’t want her to feel crowded or pressured. We wanted to make sure she had enough quality time with her daughter, so we got a hotel room instead. We told her if they had room at the hospital and she really wanted us there, we would move there. As it turned out the hospital was full. They didn’t have any extra space for adoptive parents, so the hotel option worked out well. Birthmom and her Grandma wanted our families to come to the hospital if they wanted. After speaking with our families we decided only our parents (if they wanted to) could come. Again, it was about making birthmom feel comfortable. We didn’t feel it was right to risk making her experience any harder than it already was, just because it was a happy time for us. That’s just not fair.

So the next day (June 5th) we got to the hospital early and sat with birthmom all day while she was in labor. It was a LONG day. We got there early in the morning, but they delayed inducing until late morning early afternoon. Unfortunately birthmom was starving by the time baby came (later that night) because she wasn’t allowed to eat anything all day.

Phyllis’s mom and dad came down for the birth. They met the family, but then retreated to the waiting area with Grandpa so as not to pressure birthmom. Our social worker didn’t come to the hospital, but kept her cell phone on just in case. So there we were with birthmom, her mom, her grandpa, her grandma and her social worker. It was a happy and exciting day, but it was also very, very, very, very, very, stressful.

Don was the comic relief . Every time someone started talking about girl stuff like birth or doing an exam, he would either turn bright red or look like he was going to faint. The nurses LOVED him!! Unfortunately it seems the nurses had an adoptive-mom-vulture stereotype stuck in their heads, so Phyllis had to prove her sincerity before the nurses would show her the same kindness. We suspect they’ve seen some really annoying adoptive mom’s over the years. We’ve even heard some horrible stories of adoptive moms who only care about “their baby” and make the birth more difficult for birthmom. That’s probably why they assumed Phyllis to be that type of person. It wasn’t pleasant for her.

To make things worse, birthmom’s mom started acting up shortly after we got there. First she was calm and nice, then her voice would get high and loud and she would turn any and all conversation to herself. After that she would glare and act hostile (without actually saying anything to our faces). Then she would be nice again. Birth Grandma was not happy at the display and tried to talk to her daughter several times (we think those talks resulted in her being nice again). Birthmom’s mom even got a little “pushy” with Phyllis’ mom. When Phyllis’s mom tried to console her or offered a hug or to talk, she would actually shove her out of the way. It was unfortunate that things had to get physical. What a complete roller coaster ride. But we felt bad for her because she was obviously having problems with the situation. You see, birthmom’s mom was in the same situation at her daughter’s age. It appears she is still struggling with it.

We were stuck between a rock and a hard place. On one side we had birthmom who wanted us there and wanted us to be a part of the birth. On the other side was birthmom’s mom who didn’t want us anywhere near her daughter and saw us as an adversary (as did some of the nurses). We told her social worker that we would be happy to leave if that’s what birthmom wants. The social worker tried to talk to birthmom’s mom (to no avail). She finally told us that we needed to stay because that is what birthmom wants. If her mother can’t handle it, then that’s just too bad. Eventually it was decided that Phyllis would be in the delivery room when the time came and Don would stay in the waiting room with Grandpa and Phyllis’ mom and dad. Don was very happy with that idea!

Because of her blood clot condition birthmom couldn’t take pain killer and had to give birth naturally. It was torture watching someone we cared about experiencing so much pain and not being able to do anything to make it easier on her. Our hands were tied, we couldn’t even give her a foot rub because of the blood clot risk involved. Birthmom was amazing! Most women now days would have been screaming their heads off. But she didn’t. Phyllis helped the nurses during the first part of the delivery. Toward the end, birthmom’s grandma helped too. Baby was born relatively quickly with the cord wrapped around her neck. The doctors, obviously very concerned, got really quiet while the nurses worked on the baby. Once the baby cried, everyone relaxed a little. Birthmom was exhausted and hungry. Right away we asked when she could eat. The doctor said when she felt better. Through her oxygen mask birthmom asked if we would go get her a burger. It was decided in the hallway that Don and Phyllis’ dad would go to Carl’s Jr. and get dinner. Phyllis had to stay behind with birthmom (but she really wanted to leave for a while so that birthmom would have some private time with the baby). It just didn’t work out that way.

While the doctors were cleaning birthmom up, Grandma and birthmom’s mom were holding the baby. Against everyone else's wishes Phyllis refused to hold the baby until birthmom did. We both felt that it was important for birthmom to hold her daughter first. That is when the nurse’s opinions of Phyllis changed. That is the point when they started treating Phyllis the same way they treated Don and everyone else. That was when they saw that she was more concerned about birthmom than she was about herself. It was a welcome change after such an emotional and stressful day.

Eventually everyone got to hold the baby. She was very squirmy due to gas pains. But it was quite an experience. HOLY COW DID SHE HAVE BIG FEET!!! We thought about a name. Birthmom picked the middle name and we chose the first name. We left the hospital late that night and promised to be there early the next morning. Unfortunately it didn’t work out that way because we made the mistake of eating hospital food before we left . Phyllis got sick and was up all night. We went back to the hotel that night feeling very confident and excited. We emailed friends and picked a name. We didn’t get to the hospital until mid morning the next day.

Issues With Open Adoption

2006-09-06T15:05:00.004-06:00

Although we LOVED birthmom to death, the whole process was still awkward and a little nerve racking (like waiting for the other shoe to drop). We found it hard to find the line between being open to a new relationship and being cautious enough to protect ourselves just in case she changed her mind (especially since we like birthmom and her family soooooo much). But I think all in all we did okay. Now, when it came to some of our family and friends, it was a different story all together.........

At first, we assumed the joy our family and friends first felt at hearing the news would continue over the next few weeks until the baby was born, just as if we were pregnant. Unfortunately we were shocked and dismayed when we found it was short-lived. Don’t get me wrong, they were still very excited about the new baby, but some weren’t at all happy with an open adoption and their fear popped up in some very unpleasant ways.

Now after doing some research we decided on an open adoption because the studies show that children grow up happier and emotionally healthier when they know their family history. I (Phyllis) grew up thinking I was adopted (I know that sounds silly). I remember what it felt like when I noticed I was different than those around me. I had features and personality traits that my parents, siblings and even grandparents didn’t have. My personality was, and still is, different. Growing up I always seemed to be the butt of everyone’s joke, both at home and at school (although at home all the kids were teased somewhat). I didn’t seem to fit in anywhere and had some self esteem and safety issues because of it. Recently I found out from my Aunt (on my father’s side) that I look a lot like my paternal Great Grandma. I got to see some pictures of her for the first time. The relief I've felt at finally having that confirmation is too huge to put into words. The only reason I’m bringing this up is because it is important for those who are considering adoption to understand what problems can arise when a child is uncertain about their origins or their history. Compared to children of closed adoption my problems were very, very, very minimal. It’s a good idea to do some research and get an idea of the problems that arise in a closed adoption. I only know 3 people (adults now) who were adopted as babies and grew up in the closed adoption system. All 3 people have had major self esteem issues resulting in addiction, and other destructive behavior. They have a lot of bottled up anger and abandonment issues as well.

If we can do something to prevent our child from having those kinds of problems, we will. That is why it is very important to us that our children know where they come from. Hopefully our open adoption will include annual visits with birthmom and birthdad as well as pictures and letters. It would be great if our child could call their bio-parents any time they had a question. It would be great if they could have a picture of their bio-parents in their room. Studies are showing that open adoption, while not necessarily the most comfortable option for the parent, is definitely the best option for the child! It’s also good to remember that not all children of closed adoption have problems, but many of them do.

Unfortunately several of our family and friends still embrace the old school stereotypes about birthparents. Assuming they are bad people, who live wild lives and never take responsibility for their actions. The added stress from this made the whole process a hundred times worse. The shocking thing was from day one everyone knew, in exact detail, how our adoption was going to go. And they were OK with it! But when it became reality things changed, fast!

Starting the day after we met birthmom for the 1st time, it was a constant DAILY fight. The continuous battles were emotionally and physically exhausting. At a time when we were supposed to be excited and happy, we were shaken from verbal attacks, had tears in our eyes, our hearts were breaking and we were in a constant state of upheaval. We had to defend the character of birthmom, birthdad, their parents, their siblings and everyone connected to them (at times even the social workers). Instead of seeing our birthparents as soon-to-be new members of our family, they chose to see them as adversaries, someone to fear, someone who could come and take our baby back after we brought her home. Instead of showing compassion for a family who was going through a very difficult time in their lives, they chose to be suspicious.

Instead of praising a woman for choosing life over abortion, they decided to take the position of judge and jury. We understand that most people who feel they have a right to pass judgment on those around them do so because it gives them a feeling of control over the situation. They do it because it makes them feel better about themselves, making them feel less powerless. It's much easier to judge someone else, than to deal with either your own personal issues or the real issues at hand. We know all of this in our heads, but it doesn’t change how much it hurts our hearts. It's tough to be walking a tightrope without a safety net.

Let me be clear, it wasn’t all of our family and friends, but just a few people. The fear of having our baby kidnapped or taken away was absolutely amazing. It was powerful! So in order to calm their nerves and make them feel better we gave them books to read like “Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew” by Sherrie Eldridge. We gave them NUMEROUS articles to read showing the current research along with the pros and cons of open versus closed adoptions. We even gave them articles showing research on the effects of birthmom seeing her child happy and doing well and how it can make her feel better about her decision, feel less guilty, and recover sooner emotionally (especially with the option of being a part of her child’s life).

It’s dealing with the unknown that can sometimes make a birthparent freak out a little (It also seems the unknown makes the adoptive family freak out a little too). What made the situation unbearable was the fact that LOGIC AND PURE FACT couldn’t override their pre-programmed fear.

Now I must also say, we do understand that this fear was because they care for us deeply , but it made a stressful process much more difficult than it had to be. An important thing for prospective adoptive parents to remember is that your family and friends may not be emotionally mature enough to handle and open adoption. Old deep seated family issues could come into play. Every family has their family patterns that have been passed down for generations, but most families aren’t aware exactly what these patterns are until something traumatic triggers them. That is when you truly see what people are made of. Race issues as well as old-school birthparent stereotypes and media hype, which were never a problem before, could all of the sudden become huge obstacles. It doesn’t make your family and friends bad people; it just means they need to be protected a little more from the process. It just means things have gotten too overwhelming for them, so we need to honor that and not judge them for it.

There are 2 lessons we learned from this......

One: Don’t argue. Try to make people see the REALITY of the situation, but if they refuse to even try, you need to set the boundary. They need to be told “This is our decision, it’s what’s best for our family, and that’s final. End of discussion.” Then just walk away from the argument. Don’t get sucked into a whirlwind of doubt, stress, and battles. Unfortunately our situation was one where they refused to try to understand and as a result of all the fighting I spent weeks physically ill from the drama. Their own issues were just more more important.

Two: If you suspect you may have family or friends with these types of issues, consider maybe NOT telling them you were chosen until the day you bring baby home. They may be upset for a little while because they were left out of the loop, but just let them know that you still love them and you were protecting them from the roller coaster ride associated with adoption and the possibility of birthmom changing her mind (which is true and a very real part of their fear). We are seriously considering this route the next time we are chosen. We think it will probably be better for everyone. It’s not fair to put our family and friends through the roller coaster ride again (especially now that we know some of them can’t handle it), and this way we can protect them and us from any unnecessary stress.

Meeting Birth Families

2006-09-05T14:35:00.000-06:00

A Few days before our May 19th appointment, we got a call from our social worker. She said that although birthdad still won’t admit the baby is his, he has agreed to come and meet with us. What a surprise!!

She also said he had been a no-show for all but 1 of his scheduled appointments, so “don’t get your hopes up”. We were excited and nervous nonetheless.

As it turned out, he did show that day!! He came with his mom, his twin brother and both of their girlfriends. We met with birthdad and his mom before meeting with birthmom. Because of birthdad’s past behavior (I won’t get into that here), the social workers thought it best to keep him and birthmom separated. We agreed!!

The good thing was during our meeting birthdad was finally able to admit he was the baby’s father. He said he was in denial before and just didn’t want to deal with it. He is basically a good kid, 18 years old and still in high school, with dreams of becoming a lawyer. He also seemed to be at a place in his life where he could either go on, make something of himself, and be happy, or let his anger get the best of him and chose a more dangerous (possibly criminal) route. He, like birthmom, grew up without his father and seemed to have some residual anger and abandonment issues.

Although she was a little domineering, BIRTHDAD’S MOM WAS A KICK!! Unfortunately we didn’t get to hear very much from birthdad because his mom was answering all of our questions for him (even when the social workers did their best to try and get him to talk). He rarely got to finish a sentence. We think his mom was just trying to control an uncontrollable situation. After raising 4 children on her own, you could tell it was killing her to see her sons in their current situations (twin brother’s girlfriend was currently pregnant too). It felt like she was in "defense mode". But who could blame her at a time like that?? We didn't take it personally.

Her wording on certain statements made it sound like she wasn't ready to give the OK for the adoption process. But she never came out and actually said it. She did say that if her grandchild had to be raised by another family, she was glad that family would be us. But she kept saying that her son needed to be a man and accept responsibility for his actions. Birthdad was totally on board with the adoption, but we weren't sure his twin brother was okay with a white family raising his bi-racial niece. We walked away from that meeting with several family pictures (just in case birthdad didn’t show up again) and feeling cautiously optimistic with the family. We thought birthdad's mom and sister really wanted the baby to stay in the family, but with birthdad making the final decision, everything seemed okay for now....

~~~~~

Next was our meeting with birthmom. We just LOVE birthmom (even to this day)! She is so awesome!! What a sweet person! This time she brought Grandma with her. Grandma is a spunky military wife who has been with her granddaughter every step of the way. She felt completely comfortable with us and us with her. Everything worked out really well with birthmom and her Grandma that day. Unfortunately we still hadn't had the chance to meet Birthmom's mom because she was working. We were told she was not only on board for the adoption, but also video taping every ultrasound for us. What a great day!! We walked away from that meeting with more pictures and feeling completely comfortable with birthmom and her family (it felt like we gained another niece).

But……one thing we always remembered is that we entered this situation knowing even though we had been chosen, there is still a 50/50 chance either birthmom or birthdad will change their mind once they see the baby. That’s just the unfortunate reality of the situation.

Over the next couple weeks we went with birthmom to a couple of her doctor appointments including an ultrasound. Before the ultrasound the birth date had been moved up to the middle of June. Due to her blood clot problem, they were going to induce labor instead of go naturally. That way they could minimize her risk. On Friday June 2nd was the ultrasound. Man, has that technology come a long way in the last few years!! You could see almost everything. It was truly amazing. They found that baby was already in position!! The ultrasound doctor said she would talk to birthmom’s regular physician about moving the birth date up. She said the baby was developed enough and she wanted to deliver as soon as possible. We agreed to do whatever was best for birthmom because she was our first priority. We were more worried about her health risks at that time and baby's health was fine. The 2 hour drive home was spent talking about the possibility of the baby coming early. It was a little scary. We stopped by Hacienda for dinner (CAKE!) and as we sat down we got a phone call from birthmom. Her doctor wanted to induce labor on Monday June 5th. HOLY COW!!! Looks like baby‘s coming early!!!

Sharing The News

2006-09-03T14:04:00.002-06:00

The next step was to tell our families................................

We were on the cell phone (with Phyllis' side of the family) the whole way back to town. They were very excited to hear the news!!

That day was actually Don's mom's 75th birthday partyso we stopped by on the way home to give everyone the big news. IT'S A GIRL!!! When we first told everyone they were VERY excited (both sides of the family). We told them how much we liked the birthmom and how we were cautiously optimistic.

After all, birthmom could still change her mind at any time. We made it clear to birthmom that it was okay if she had a change of heart. Our first priority right now was her. The decision to put a child up for adoption is hard enough without having someone treat you like an incubator and take your power away. It was important to us that our families know and really understand what that means. They needed to be aware that this thing could fall through at any time.

Everyone was so optimistic. Some cried. They were already making plans. Even though they knew birthmom might change her mind, they didn’t THINK she ever would. So as far as they were concerned, all was well and we would have a new addition to the family by the end of June. YAY FOR US!!

I just wish it could have stayed that way ………………………..

We've Been Chosen

2006-09-03T13:40:00.002-06:00

For those of you who don’t already know, we unfortunatley had an adoptption fall through this year. BUMMER!

May 3rd 2006 was the day we got the call. HOLY COW!! We had been chosen by a birthmom who lived in a nearby city (about 2 hours away). She was a 21 year old student and the baby was due in a month. The scarey thing was birthmom had a blood clot issue and was on blood thinners. Since the hereditary condition only pops up during pregnancies, and she was taking good care of herself while seeing doctors regularly, everything looked good as far as baby was concerned. Birthdad (birthmom’s ex-boyfriend) was an 18 year old high school student denying paternity. He wasn’t in the picture at that time. The social worker couldn't even get him to come and talk. Unfortunatley from what we hear that is very typical among birthdads. I think they either panic, or just don't want to have to worry about the responsibility.

We were completely freaked out and totally excited all at the same time. The funny thing about adoption is that for the adoptive parents, we only get a month or so (sometimes even less) to go through ALL the emotions biological parents go through in 9 months. It can be a little overwhelming at times. We became sooooooooooooooo stressed out we had no other option...... but to go to Hacienda Colorado and EAT CAKE!! For those of you who are interested in really good comfort food, Hacienda has AWESOME chocolate cake!!

We got the opportunity to meet birthmom for the first time on May 7th. We took a liking to her right away. She is a gentle spirited young woman who is very grounded and very sweet. We found that we had many things in common. It was a little strange how well we clicked together. We found out the baby was going to be a girl! Birthmom considered adoption one of the greatest gifts she could give someone. She was living with her grandma and never knew her father. She really wanted her daughter to have a full time father, as well as opportunities she knew she wasn't able to provide at this time in her life.

The best part............she also wanted this to be an open adoption. She felt, like us, it would be better for the baby if she knew where she came from. And even though she wasn’t able to raise the child, she still wanted to be a part of her daughter’s life.

Things went really well that first meeting. We felt truly comfortable with birthmom. Don't get me wrong, it still felt like we were going out on a blind date, but our social workers were there and they helped keep things on track. Birthmom wanted us to go with her to a couple of her doctors appointments as well as be in the delivery room. So we picked which doctor's appointments we would attend, and set our next meeting at the adoption agency for May 19th!!